My secret love affair with chocolate

MY SECRET LOVE AFFAIR WITH CHOCOLATE

 

I used to sneak chocolate

Candy consumption was not a common occurrence in my childhood home

I’d search tirelessly for the hidden goodies

In some dusty bowl at the back of a cabinet, I’d find a note from my brother saying “found it first”

 

I would go to my friend Susie’s house

and be amazed that there were boxes of chocolate

Available

For anyone

 

I grew up

Sneaking my chocolate

Sneaking my appetite

Sneaking my desires

 

On my way to high school

I would stop at the patisserie by the subway

I would go in the back door

And buy two pain-au-chocolats off the baking tray

 

I would eat them while walking, while riding the train

While being anonymous

Breaking bits off and keeping the rest hidden in the bag

 

Walk in the front door?

Eat chocolate in public?

Show the world that chocolate was my solace and my love?

That I had an appetite?

A big appetite?

For pleasure

 

Pleasure

Food joy

That was only for the truly decadent moments

Moments of pomp…

 

At a fancy theater in London at intermission

At that deluxe chocolate shop on 5^thAvenue

Or the occasional 5-tiered wedding cake

 

But the daily desires

 

The “I just want chocolate because I love it”

 

That was a no-no

 

And so I kept sneaking

My love of chocolate

Steeped in shame

 

And then came the healing

Or at least the beginning of a life long path to food freedom

 

I started to carry chocolate with me wherever I went

A bar in my bag

High quality cacao that reminded me

That I was worth nourishing

 

I knew I could have it

I didn’t have to hide it

Eat in shame

Binge on the forbidden fruit

 

But one bar

One bar would be finished

One bar still had me feeling like there wasn’t enough

And I better finish it right now

So there was no more left

So I wouldn’t be tempted again.

 

I started carrying two bars.

Ah

the relief

I knew there was more

I didn’t have to eat it all

There was always more

 

Two bars in my bag

Bars of freedom

Bars free of shame

Bars of pleasure

 

And then I noticed

I didn’t need bars in my bag

I had baskets of chocolate in my house

 

Just like Susie’s house

No shame

No guilt

 

For anyone

Including me

 

~ Nina Manolson

For more of my poetic essays: https://ninamanolson.com/food-for-thought/

 

Nina Manolson, M.A. in Counseling Psychology, Nationally Board Certified Health & Wellness Coach, Psychology of Eating Coach, Body-Trust® Guide.

 

If you’d like help with navigating an authentic and respectful relationship with your body. Let’s talk.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nina Manolson, MA, NBC-HWC, board certified Health Coach, Psychology of Eating Coach and Certified Body-Trust Provider, believes that every woman deserves to feel good in her own body.

She helps women create a healthy and positive relationship with their food and body so they can love their body and life! She’s the founder of NinaManolson.com and The Nourished Woman Nation.

She helps busy women feel good in their own body.. She specializes in working with women over 40 who have tried other diets and approaches but are still struggling with their body and food.

She’s the creator of the BODY-LOVE MAP and the recipient of the prestigious Health Leadership Award from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.

To get your F.R.E.E. ebook: HOW TO BE A WOMAN AT EASE IN YOUR BODY  click here.